I’ve been writing since I was ten years old, but created this blog only about eighteen months ago. With four daughters and two stepdaughters, I was driven to blog about some of the more nonsensical events that transpire in my life. My purpose was, and is, to share some of my life experiences in the hope that someone, somewhere will benefit from lessons I’ve learned on my journey. In that regard, my blogging has been purely selfish. It would give me satisfaction and a sense of reward to know I’ve helped someone somehow, a sort of preventive dose of parenting medicine if such a thing exists.
Writing is a form of therapy for me. When journaling or blogging, I’ve always put truth on the page. Some people like my honesty. For me, I don’t think about it. My life is what it is. And I’m willing to share it, although I rarely use a person’s real name in any of my blogs. If I’ve been guilty of any falsehood, it would be in the act of minimizing reality. Sometimes even I can’t believe what is happening and I’m living it! So I’ve been known to paint a less dramatic picture or tone down the extreme level of emotion so that readers will find it all believable.
And therein lies the rub.
At the turn of the year, about seven months ago, I took a look back at all my 2012 postings. I was approaching my one year anniversary of writing my blog and for the first time I took a detailed look at all the stats that are kept through WordPress. And a couple of things came to my mind as I did this review of my blog. First, I was shocked to see in my words so much sadness and despair along with complaining and, yes, even whining. While promising in a post to not throw a pity party, sometimes I did anyway. In retrospect, it was a stressful year. But so was the year before that, and the year before that. And so on and so on, etcetera, etcetera.
Second, I learned I have followers. Really! Complete strangers have decided my blog is worthy of following. And that made me smile because perhaps my main purpose (see paragraph one) was being fulfilled.
However, at the time I discovered all of this in January, I was feeling depressed, which is probably why I was led to do a review of 2012 in the first place. After reading all that doom and gloom, I told myself I needed to focus more on the positive and less on the negative so as to build my readership. Well, that was much easier said than done. It didn’t take long before I found myself playing around with catchy headlines and choosing one word over another in the hopes that a reader would find my writing more interesting. Consciously and/or subconsciously, I had begun to censor myself. And, without knowing I was doing it, I found myself putting up posts on certain days and times so as to gain the most “market share.”
In this January moment of enlightenment I was propelled into discernment. And for the last several weeks I’ve lacked any desire at all to blog. It’s as if I don’t want to write because I’m not being true to my purpose or to my self.
I can’t promise there will be sexy words or a play on words in a headline. Don’t expect to see a building of loyal readers. I won’t guarantee a value gained or a lesson learned in reading any one of my postings. And I certainly won’t promise all sunshine and roses. But I will promise honesty and no more censoring. I will honor my self and my readers by committing anew to my original purpose.
Parenting is incredibly challenging. It’s something I find I have to work at every single day. I welcome the opportunity to share this wobbly, drama-filled, hormone-laced journey. And maybe, just maybe, we can learn together and make sense of a nonsensical moment.